I am the WORST!!

 Now, I think everybody who knows me.. knows that I am scared of pukes. I'm not just scared folks. It is a FEAR that consumes my entire body with panic and anxiety and all bad things in the world. Saying I am 'scared' is an understatement. I haven't yet thought of a word that is worthy of describing this massive all consuming 'fear'. IT controls ME! I have been known to sleep on the couch if Dusty says his tummy just hurts so i can avoid being in even a close proximity to POSSIBLE pukes. I HATE flying. Not because I am scared of crashing (although scary) I am scared someone will get AIR SICK next to me. I remember in high school on a charter bus coming home from Disney world with the band, a girl had the pukes on the bus.... I sat huddled up against my window and CRIED THE ENTIRE RIDE HOME with my hands firmly plastered against my ears like a FREAK OF NATURE. I think you get it. but you don't. Its what i've described times.. 20.. no 50!!!  Which brings me to my point.... Today... DEACON GOT THE PUKES. He puked twice in a row right in front of me in the kitchen the poor baby. And of course I did what ANY awesomely great mom would do..i screamed bloody murder "DUSTY! DUSTY DUSTY (looking at deacon "ITS OK BUDDY!!") DUSTY DUSTY!!!!! (its ok buddy!!) DUSTY!!!!DUSTY!!!" who comes flying in as i beg with teary eyes to please take deacon into the tub. Worst. Mom. EVER. I throw some towels on the mess.. which is all over Gus's back too. I came THIS CLOSE to having a full blown panic attack. All night I am eyeing Deacon every move he makes. He seems ok. Is running around playing and laughing and acting the same. But he was doing that right before... well.. you know what. My poor baby.  Oh dear. I knew this day would come but gosh I thought maybe my fear would just go away and Mommy Mode would kick in? Not so. :(. At least Daddy isn't afraid, right? My poor Deacy.

I'm on a roll.

I don't know what has gotten into me but every night I think "I should totally blog right now" and i just DO IT! It feels good. Lately i've been having alot of "you are a grown up now" moments. Prime example- my laundry smelling half decent, Yesss! Also, today i got really excited to go to my friend Sarah's place and learn about budgeting. I've been married almost 5 years and i'm just now looking into starting a budget. Actually that isn't true, i've looked into it, just never followed through. :-| i know. I've been in some sort of "I am still a TEENAGER" mindset for far too long. I'm not a dang teenager. Except that lady at Marshalls last year who exclaimed with such a jubilant tone "OH! LOOK!!! A TEEN MOM!! AWWW" sure thought I was. Part of me was like Woah what the heck i am a GROWN MARRIED WOMAN! But the other part was kind of like "I meeaan, yessss still got it". haha. ANYWHO. So i got really excited about the whole starting a budget thing. I went straight to Target and got me a BUDGET BINDER and NOTEBOOK PAPER and a pack of really awesome colored pens to make it more fun i guess. I made up my sheet for April and honestly I have it laid out on my counter like I am so proud of it and can't wait to have to write something else in there. So pathetic. But a turning-point for our bank account i say.

Target, my love.

Some days are good. Some days suck. Some days the only thing you can do is drag your make-up-less butt to Target and pray you don't run into anyone you know. Seriously, i had shifty eyes the entire time I was in Tarjay tonight thinking I was about to run into someone really popular and beautiful i know. (i didn't yay!) So i'm perusing  Target and i am MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS in the lamp shade aisle when all of a sudden i hear it. My relaxed state of mind was SHATTERED in a million shards on the floor when i heard it. The sound. Of. SOMEONE. puke. I totally kid you not. I have no idea where on earth this grown man, it sounded like, was puking but... i fricken high tailed it out of there immediately. Gosh. Can i just say that the new target is awesome and all, but the OLD target is just....it's just HOME.
Random side note- My bed shirt tonight smells really good like fabric softener. The pathetic part is, it is making me feel really proud. Everyone else's laundry always smells so good but mine always just smells like nothing and i Try So Hard! FINALLY is all i have to say.

Emotional Breakdowns, yay!

Dude...a few days ago, i put together Deacon's big boy bed. A real deal twin sized big boy bed!! Its actually a bunk bed but while putting it together (and yes I am the handyman here!) I could not make myself commit to the full on bunk bed. Seemed too grown up for me. I was nervous. The first night i put it together I felt sad. And anxious about it. So i shut the door to that room so I wouldn't see it and put Deac to bed in his crib. But the next day i thought, Gosh I am trying to keep him a baby forever!! So i.. gulp.. took apart his crib. Literally the entire time i cried. with each screw i took out i cried a little harder too. It was like a full on emotional breakdown. yikes, i know. It's still sitting all disassembled in my living room. But then i put his big boy bed in his room, with new big boy sheets and a ratty old blanket :-X (but its so old and COMFY!). And i tell you what, Deacon jumped onto the bed, All smiles! he loved it. So i felt better. I told myself that I would lay in bed with him and totally sleep with him every single night if I needed to..ok maybe not every night, but my mind was certainly racing and frantic about the whole thing so.. I dunno! ANYWHO. So the first night came and I laid in bed with him and we read our stories and said prayers, and i laid by him until he fell asleep. Then i left him. I could hardly sleep all night because i just KNEW he'd fall off the bed! Guess what though! HE DIDN'T. At around 8am he came strolling out of his room with his blanky and a big smile on his face. It was adorbs. So tonight I think, ya know what? I'd gotten him in a great habit of putting himself to sleep in his crib, maybe I'll just act all no biggy like and leave him in there awake. I was sure that he would crawl right out and follow me but Guess. What. HE DIDN'T. Well I mean it's only been like 40 minutes since i laid him down so i guess he still could come strolling out but HE HASN'T! And so I'd like to check off BIG BOY BED from our growing up to-do list! Sad face. Insert mom cliche-> "They grow up too fast"... waaahhhh!!!

Spiritual Thoughts

I've been reflecting on when I was first baptized lately. I came across this really awesome baptism book that the sister missionaries made for me. At the time I hadn't thought much of it. I mean i really appreciated it and thought it was so nice. But i pulled it out earlier this week and read it. And in it were every body who came's testimony. Some of the people at the time I did not know but know now and how special it was to read and feel the Spirit of that day again. On General Conference weekend, I am always so horrible at sitting and watching all of the sessions, mainly just perking up and listening to the Prophet with every fiber of my being. I remember the missionaries coming to our home and teaching me and I remember my first callings and the people who helped me and taught me what i know today. I love this church. I remember first going to the Temple, and awaiting my life changing moment to occur but just feeling PEACE. I love the Temple. I always kind of joke it is like going to the Spa to me. The clothing and the smell of it, ah i just love everything about it. I was thinking of this video i'd seen first when the missionaries showed it to me and i choked back painful knots in my throat at the end. I remember seeing it in Young Womens too when I was a teacher and couldn't hold back the tears that time. I couldn't find my copy of it so I searched online and found the last 10 minutes of the movie on Youtube. And it strikes me the same everytime during the last 2 minutes. I can't imagine. But I can't wait.You know, my patriarchal blessing says that I am to bear my testimony with all who have ears to hear it. And i always think "Oh darn thats like.. EVERYBODY!" and that is scary to me. But i guess blogging is a nice ease into it :) I KNOW without a doubt this church is true. I KNOW Thomas S Monson is a prophet today. I Know through baptism we can receive the best gift of the Holy Ghost. I know, and am so grateful for, that we can do Temple Work for the deceased . How incredible to be able to do that. I can't wait to do temple work for my family. I have a testimony of Visiting Teaching. I always look forward to my teachers visits and when they leave i feel so inspired and better than i did before they came. I love how everyone in the church just sort of GET each other. It is so easy to make friends. It really is like a family. I am so excited for Deacon to get this opportunity to grow up in the church and to learn of the Gospel at a younger age than I did. Being baptized was most definitely one of the best decisions I ever made. I am so grateful for that!
ps- my most favorite talk ever is still THIS ONE